sea change

What do you do when despite your best efforts everything is crashing in. You want to be happy, and you know all the right answers to every unsettling question, but none of that really seems relevant. How is this possible? How can there be so much freedom in sight but it is never quite attainable?
Here is the truth. I try with Samson might to hold on to happiness. But this happiness is just my deceptive Delilah stealing my strength. Bitch... [get the big picture]
Now I find myself praying for strength once more just to pull everything in on me, ending it all.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm saying. I am in no way suicidal or anything. It has just been an overwhelming day. I've been tired and worthless and I got a speeding ticket. I find myself being a terrible friend to some people because in my current state there are only a few I actually want to be around. I need something real in my relationships right now. I need to talk this out, but part of me doesn't want to do that because I don't feel like I listen when other people need me to.

Oh ya. This is one of those times when you need your heart broken sending you crashing to your knees. If anyone is keeping track, you can put a tick in the box next to broken heart. And now can I find myself on my knees? Can I fell the tree I've let my pride become? Its more like a demolition, really. I feel like I need to confess out loud, but I have no spiritual structure. No mentor, no accountability, nothing. No church. No one even inquiring to my spiritual state.

I feel at the edge of a revolution just getting all this out. I was wrong to say I know all the answers, but I do know the right direction. I know I am not the only one this way right now and something has got to change. It has got to start with me. My pride has to fall. I have to give myself up. I can't wait for someone else to convince me to. I don't respond well to that anyhow.

Jesus, there has to be change. We need something real. We need you. We need you to be real in our lives. Show us where you are. Show us how you are moving. Show us how you are relevant right now in each moment, in every breath. The course of eternity hangs perilously in every moment waiting, begging, to be changed. As do I. Change me to initiate change.