there's a design

I don't think I really know how to respond, yet I know I need to. I am continually amazed at what God does despite... well... despite me. I, so often, just can't figure out how to let go of my worries and my problems and my struggles. My worries are just figments of my imagination conjured up by unbelief. Pretty much, I say to God, "Ya know, I believe you're there. Hell, I believe you created the ground I walk upon, but my rent this month? I don't think you've got that covered. But don't worry about it, I, a fucking human being, will do what you, the almighty God, can't." I'm way out of line most of the time. Recently, however, I've let go. Maybe I was just fed up with myself, but I woke up one morning and said, "God, you have this day. I'm sick of it." And He did. I've watched so many things fall into place even just today. All the things I spoke of in my previous post on 4/10/06 have only seen themselves more fullfilled. Things aren't complete, but they are happening. And I am, more or less, just watching the show.

In the spirit of this revelation I took a vacation over the past weekend. It was a block of time that felt removed from life. A few friends and I drove to a lake in Alabama near the border of Tennessee and Mississippi. We listened to a lot of good music on the lengthy drive and between Weezer's blue album and OK Computer I sang myself hoarse, but a moment stands out to me listening to Sufjan Steven's Michigan album. We had recently taken a break at a Cracker Barrel outside Chattanooga at Lookout Mtn. and the sun had finally given way to the night. I always become reflective at the time of day between dusk and the fullness of night. My body relaxes and my mind's guards are changing shifts or something because I stop trying to explain things and I just let them happen. They usually aren't physical things. They are the kind of things that mold the heart and have the potential to change a person altogether. This night listening to Vito's Ordination Song I heard God singing, "rest in my arms. sleep in my bed. there's a design to what i did and said," and in my evening vunerablity I did rest. I thought about all He had been doing and I saw Him with His hands on everything. There is nothing free of His design. This is the kind of peace I think every human was meant to live with.