all your worries won't add a single moment...

Sometimes I feel like so much is happening at once that even though I am drawn to write I can't get anything worthwhile down. I guess its a matter of not knowing where to start. I heard the beginning is a good place, but what if you can't put a finger on where it begins?

(warning: if you click the link below, you must know that this post is probably only life-changing as it relates to me. It is written in story form and you must take your own nuggets from it as you can. There is no extremely profound thought. and it is long. you're warned.)

[get the big picture]

It has been over a year since I felt I was seeing anything in my life fall into place. Now it's happening, and not only in areas I have been praying into, but also in unexpected places.

Easter weekend was an appropriate starting point, I think, as it is day to celebrate redemption and new life. I took a trip to Nashville to be with my family, stopping first in Mt. Juliet to see my father, step-mother, and little step-bro. For some reason, as much as I miss all of them, there are times I am less than excited to visit. It usually has a lot to do with where I am personally. I want to seem collected and driven towards something specific, and more importantly, worthwhile. I'm not sure why that is when I'm with my dad, but I think it just has something simply to do with him being my father. I know this seems like a cliche thing, to subconsciously desire to impress the old man, but its a true issue. The moment came soon enough.

"So you're not thinking of staying in Knoxville, are you?"
"Well... I don't know much of anything right now, dad."
"What would you do?"
"I had thought about going back to school, but again, I don't know. I just don't think I there is any good reason for me to come back to Nashville all summer when I probably won't be staying here long anyway."

Surprisingly, his responses was entirely supportive and then my step-mother offered the best advice I had received since I had begun feeling directionless.

"Jacob, I think you have so much pressure on yourself that you can't even see clearly what your options are, much less make any decisions. I think you just need to let God take this pressure off you and I really believe then, things will begin to fall in place."

A burden lifted. Someone finally told me what I had been trying to tell myself for a year, but never believed. It finally sunk in. I spent the rest of the night experiencing a nearly tangible respect for this side of an imperfect, yes, but loving family. My dad and I talked about Simon and Garfunkel, Cat Stevens, The Who, etc. while putting on his old vinyl records. Later I stood outside my car in a young summer night, with cool breeze and clear skies, talking with him a bit more before I departed.

I spent the next hour driving to Murfreesboro, listening to Beck's Sea Change with the windows down, and reflected on this new perspective. I sipped a Red Bull as I tossed the glowing butt of a cigarette out the window. I love watching the rear-view as it shatters into orange sparks on the highway in the dark.

Saturday was spent running errands for my mother. I got distracted and spent a few hours at my favorite record store in Nashville, and in the end purchased Kid A, and a Sigur Ros ep (Ba Ba, Ti Ki, Di Do) on vinyl with the intention of taking my dad's old record player back to Knoxville with me. I still haven't got a needle for it, but hopefully soon. In the evening I had dinner with a few friends and then played pool downtown with another friend later on.

Sunday morning I went with my family to church. I forget how much I miss my home until I go to church. I was so encouraged and so refreshed. Afterwards my family had a dinner with our close family friends, the Haires. I left from there, but before I did my mom pulled me aside and gave me some advice and encouragement. Essentially she said that she felt like things were going to start falling into place. She also said almost exactly what my step-mom said. Confirmation.

So this week has been an amazing manifestation of all I brought back with me from Nashville. Decisions have been made. I still may not have the entire picture, but I have direction. I feel I can see my desires better and know that's what I need to be pursuing. I am staying in Knoxville. At least for a while. This damned city that grasps people in its claws and bores them to death. I, of my own free will, am choosing to stay here. Never thought that would happen. I am seriously considering going back to school. I am changing jobs. I am pursuing a girl (not that I actually know how to do that one very well). There is just so much. It all feels new. It feels right. And I am more at peace than I have been in a long time.