sea change

What do you do when despite your best efforts everything is crashing in. You want to be happy, and you know all the right answers to every unsettling question, but none of that really seems relevant. How is this possible? How can there be so much freedom in sight but it is never quite attainable?
Here is the truth. I try with Samson might to hold on to happiness. But this happiness is just my deceptive Delilah stealing my strength. Bitch... [get the big picture]
Now I find myself praying for strength once more just to pull everything in on me, ending it all.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm saying. I am in no way suicidal or anything. It has just been an overwhelming day. I've been tired and worthless and I got a speeding ticket. I find myself being a terrible friend to some people because in my current state there are only a few I actually want to be around. I need something real in my relationships right now. I need to talk this out, but part of me doesn't want to do that because I don't feel like I listen when other people need me to.

Oh ya. This is one of those times when you need your heart broken sending you crashing to your knees. If anyone is keeping track, you can put a tick in the box next to broken heart. And now can I find myself on my knees? Can I fell the tree I've let my pride become? Its more like a demolition, really. I feel like I need to confess out loud, but I have no spiritual structure. No mentor, no accountability, nothing. No church. No one even inquiring to my spiritual state.

I feel at the edge of a revolution just getting all this out. I was wrong to say I know all the answers, but I do know the right direction. I know I am not the only one this way right now and something has got to change. It has got to start with me. My pride has to fall. I have to give myself up. I can't wait for someone else to convince me to. I don't respond well to that anyhow.

Jesus, there has to be change. We need something real. We need you. We need you to be real in our lives. Show us where you are. Show us how you are moving. Show us how you are relevant right now in each moment, in every breath. The course of eternity hangs perilously in every moment waiting, begging, to be changed. As do I. Change me to initiate change.

charming

i wish i knew what to say

i'm retarded

and apparently a coward. and i'm sick. shit, i didn't wanna just ramble about stupid stuff on here. too late now, i guess. i hope i sleep for a few weeks...

a willing ear

Falling in and out of love. I feel like God is this constant in my life, however inconsistent I may be, He is the same. Which I suppose is an obvious truth. The way I feel about Him is inconsistent. Wait... Not even the way I feel about Him, really. I always truly love God, I feel. My heart always desires Him. But what seems to change so much is how I feel I'm supposed to relate to Him. I can't seem to get it in my head that the way He feels about me is constant.
Last night I realized that in a way, I haven't been "looking Him in the eyes" when I talk to Him. I speak to Him, lately, like one speaks to a room full of people, directing his words at no one in particular, hoping someone will hear and perhaps even respond. This revelation saddens me. It wasn't always as this. I pray it changes. And I pray that prayer catches a willing ear.

PHELICKS IS LOST. LOSE 3 DAYS.

On the way to Oregon. Actually... that doesn't sound like a bad idea...

I've lost motivation temporarily. Maybe Phelicks took it with him. Poor, Phelicks. I'm sure he didn't mean to wander so far from the trail. Now, we'll all be stuck in the rockies at winter.

I need summer.

revelation

sometimes god meets you all of a sudden...
like the train of your life gets the emergency brakes pulled and everything that was in place falls to the ground in chaos. people lean out the windows to see whats wrong, but you, you step off the train. time stops. you walk across the gravel and another set of tracks and have a long look back... and forward...
after a moment suspended in forever, you decide to hop the next one that comes along because you like the direction that one is going better...
yesterday was like this...

easy to fall in love

I wish it were easy to fall in love. It used to be natural, not something that had to be a far off distant phenomenon. I find myself so lonely so often. Not miserable or anything. Just wanting the company of... someone... my counterpart in female form. Surely that can't be too much to ask.

to jump, fall, and fly

So, I am of the strong conviction that nothing I am about to say will make sense...

I can't decide if I am in the best place I could be or the worst. Or maybe its both? I guess nothing is really as clean cut as anyone would hope. Amanda just tought me how to iron. I... um... am about to read about time travel to put me to sleep. I feel like I'm on drugs. Interesting...

I hope I don't read this later. If you are reading this, Jacob, or anyone else, I dearly apologize. I'll try not to do it again. Actually, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'd love to do it again. In fact I said that I would! I need that roadmap wherever it may say I have come from... This is just another marker on the way...

where i find myself

I can't help but feel slightly nerd-esque for not only signing up for a "blog," but for actually using it. I'm not sure I know the reason. I only feel a slight inclination, as it is, to take verbal snapshots of my life and create a collage of nonsense available to the entire human race... and maybe aliens. Something, though, tells me that I might appreciate it at a later date. I need some sort of backwards roadmap for my life reminding me from whence I came. If this is it, then amen. Maybe it will last...