That's that.
The word of the day is experience.
I feel, at times weighed by a burden that many others I know seem not to bear. And yet describing this weight as a burden seems almost insane because as much as I loathe it, I long for it. And as much as I fear it, it is my comfort. No part of my being really knows what to do with this thing which is commonly known as conscience. I'll bypass Webster for you on this one, and define this according to Jacob's dictionary...
Conscience. n. A spiritual impartation, or duress (depending on one's stance), from the Holy Spirit, of the will of God upon a human being's soul to bring one closer to His own likeness in purity and holiness.And now back to the word of the day (if you will remember, this word is "experience"). I have a history, if you will, with the creator of the universe. We go way back. Like any relationship it has its ups and downs, and I freely admit my unfaithfulness is at the core of most of the problem's we've experienced in the past. As for those current and future... we're still working on those. But I'm sure they, too, are issues of my own. In the meantime there is still this conscience imposing its will upon my own creating a constant quarrel.
Something tells me this is all going to boil down to a question of belief, so I think I'm going to discard all the fluff in between the issue and the answer. Today I had a perspective moment. If you, the reader, have ever read any blog of significance that I have written then this will sound familiar. I need God more than I could ever really know. I know that is a cheesy Christian cliche usually disregarded as tired bullshit. I know. But I had a moment where I recognized (again) how small I truly am. And He has been so faithful to me in ways that I never even think about. Except today I began to try to think about them and became swiftly overwhelmed. I couldn't do it. I experienced an emotion in the same family as sadness, but I wasn't sad. I was ashamed. I do not love God well. I love my damn cat (bless her sweet, sharp paws) better than I love God.
This, in turn, gives me a new perspective on conscience. I suddenly feel like God really does have a plan for me. I suddenly feel less suspicious that He might be the bad guy. And if I really take a good look at this will of His that He seems to be imposing upon my life, it seems less like an imposition and more like the guiding hand of someone who sees the big picture. This proves true in the context of today's word as well.
How many times can one be new? I'm beginning to hope that every moment I will be...
