yesterday

On June 5th two men feasted upon the following (each):

• 2 rolls
• salad
• 10 oz. ribeye, medium rare
• quarter rack ribs
• 1 serving loaded mashed potatoes / steak fries and steamed vegetables
• 24 oz. killians

The occasion?

They were hungry...

daniel lanois

Who do I have to blame for my ignorance? Why have I never heard this name Daniel Lanois before a week ago? I am blown away by the beautiful ambient folk of his album, Shine (2003). He has an extensive catalogue of his own music (that I have every intention of digging into) especially considering he also happened to produce U2's The Joshua Tree (1987), Achtung Baby (1991), All that You Can't Leave Behind (2000), and co-produced The Unforgettable Fire (1984) with Brian Eno. As if that weren't enough, Bono suggested Lanois to Bob Dylan in the late 80's and he ended up producing Oh Mercy (1989) and Time Out of Mind (1997). He also worked with Peter Gabriel and Emmylou Harris.

Lanois' lyrics are semi-abstract but almost tear at truths and passions that are buried in one's heart. Listening to Shine has been an experience that reminds me of C.S. Lewis' The Voyage of the Dawn Treader in which Aslan frees Eustace from what he has become (a dragon!) by peeling off layer after layer of scales and skin. And as painful as self-analysis can be, the smooth guitar and brilliant production allows the process to be a most peacefully reflective one.

It is awesome to me (and I truly mean I am in awe) that an album like this would come to me at a time where I am nearly obsessed with truth and being alive. Even more interesting is that a friend of mine who helped introduce Lanois to me even claims that this album convinced him to not commit suicide a few years ago. Maybe I'm just crazy and I'm drawing too much from "small" things. Maybe I'll suck them dry. Or maybe something divine is happening.

I'd like to think the latter.

[most of the discography info was taken from the wikipedia article on Daniel Lanois. i don't retain that much knowledge on my own.]

rain forged reality

Monotony creates illusion. While some people escape through alcohol and some people escape through sexual fantasy, many more escape through the monotony of their stoic unchanging everyday existence.
You've got your 9 to 5, then home by 6, in bed by 8, up by 6... (to quote the Loft).
An illusion of life is a life not worth living.

I sit on a grandma couch with floral pattern in a garage over-run with old prints behind cracked glass, charcoal grills, baskets of laundry, and even more furniture. Rain has been steadily washing over the roof above me and the concrete in front of me is releasing a steam from the warmer half of today. The leaves of giant trees droop a dark green and sway with the weight while a thin fog lingers 30 feet into their limbs. And I feel alive. I feel like I've shed another skin of numbness, as I so often do. I live for things that shake my ever wandering perception of reality. Every so often something real (for lack of a better word) grabs me like a child eager to show his parents a new discovery, and drags me back to meaningfulness.

My cigarette ash is as drawn out as my thoughts. My Rice Krispies are singing with the rain. Time that has been steadily marching forward for an eternity has slowed to a casual saunter as if to take in every moment that is happening, in every life, at every time of day, all across this earth. It reminds me of all the people I know in different time zones, countries, and continents. I wonder what they are doing at the very moment I type these words. I wonder what they are thinking. I wonder who they are with, what they are feeling. "When was the last time they thought of me?" I muse. And I pray for their well-being. All of this puts me in my place. Small, in that I am only here: at one point in geography and at only one point in time, in any given second (and those are only moving forward, never in reverse). But as small as I am, what infinite possibility I have been given to speak with the creator of time and space who, being bound by neither, can reawaken the hearts of every companion I thought of before. Just like my heart. Just like this moment. But with moments that are as different and individual as each one of them. I am confident He hears and follows through with my pleas for my fellow hearts in every hemisphere.

A late sun is breaking through the clouds and the trees as if to seal this epiphany, as cliche and tired as it may have been. I remember in high school my football coach spoke an unwittingly relevant truth. He said something of how rain forges events in our life into our memories. They become carved into our reality. Today is the furnace carving a memory to live by tomorrow. One second at a time. Until I need to shed another skin.

what?

west coast?

so i've just discovered that you can update your blog with audio from any telephone. now i realize how dorky this is, but thats really exciting. i like the idea of taking road trips and keeping a log of them online through a phone. then when you have access to a computer you can edit the post with text or pictures or whatever. i feels like this calls for traveling. oh, and i had to try it out...

bombs and condoms

Whenever I find myself in a public restroom I have this strange intrigue with graffiti on the walls. Usually they are just pollitical hate mail to anyone emptying their loins or sexual offers followed by a phone number, but every now and again there is something thoughtful. This is not one of them, but it made me laugh a small laugh inside myself.

"Don't you see how overpopulated the wold would be if it weren't for war??"

I couldn't help but draw the strange image in my head of dropping bombs as a now effective form of birth control. Maybe I shouldn't have been laughing, though. I am not any better off in my mindset than this fellow (I assume it was a fellow writing in the men's restroom).

there's a design

I don't think I really know how to respond, yet I know I need to. I am continually amazed at what God does despite... well... despite me. I, so often, just can't figure out how to let go of my worries and my problems and my struggles. My worries are just figments of my imagination conjured up by unbelief. Pretty much, I say to God, "Ya know, I believe you're there. Hell, I believe you created the ground I walk upon, but my rent this month? I don't think you've got that covered. But don't worry about it, I, a fucking human being, will do what you, the almighty God, can't." I'm way out of line most of the time. Recently, however, I've let go. Maybe I was just fed up with myself, but I woke up one morning and said, "God, you have this day. I'm sick of it." And He did. I've watched so many things fall into place even just today. All the things I spoke of in my previous post on 4/10/06 have only seen themselves more fullfilled. Things aren't complete, but they are happening. And I am, more or less, just watching the show.

In the spirit of this revelation I took a vacation over the past weekend. It was a block of time that felt removed from life. A few friends and I drove to a lake in Alabama near the border of Tennessee and Mississippi. We listened to a lot of good music on the lengthy drive and between Weezer's blue album and OK Computer I sang myself hoarse, but a moment stands out to me listening to Sufjan Steven's Michigan album. We had recently taken a break at a Cracker Barrel outside Chattanooga at Lookout Mtn. and the sun had finally given way to the night. I always become reflective at the time of day between dusk and the fullness of night. My body relaxes and my mind's guards are changing shifts or something because I stop trying to explain things and I just let them happen. They usually aren't physical things. They are the kind of things that mold the heart and have the potential to change a person altogether. This night listening to Vito's Ordination Song I heard God singing, "rest in my arms. sleep in my bed. there's a design to what i did and said," and in my evening vunerablity I did rest. I thought about all He had been doing and I saw Him with His hands on everything. There is nothing free of His design. This is the kind of peace I think every human was meant to live with.

no one quite as cool

 

all your worries won't add a single moment...

Sometimes I feel like so much is happening at once that even though I am drawn to write I can't get anything worthwhile down. I guess its a matter of not knowing where to start. I heard the beginning is a good place, but what if you can't put a finger on where it begins?

(warning: if you click the link below, you must know that this post is probably only life-changing as it relates to me. It is written in story form and you must take your own nuggets from it as you can. There is no extremely profound thought. and it is long. you're warned.)

[get the big picture]

It has been over a year since I felt I was seeing anything in my life fall into place. Now it's happening, and not only in areas I have been praying into, but also in unexpected places.

Easter weekend was an appropriate starting point, I think, as it is day to celebrate redemption and new life. I took a trip to Nashville to be with my family, stopping first in Mt. Juliet to see my father, step-mother, and little step-bro. For some reason, as much as I miss all of them, there are times I am less than excited to visit. It usually has a lot to do with where I am personally. I want to seem collected and driven towards something specific, and more importantly, worthwhile. I'm not sure why that is when I'm with my dad, but I think it just has something simply to do with him being my father. I know this seems like a cliche thing, to subconsciously desire to impress the old man, but its a true issue. The moment came soon enough.

"So you're not thinking of staying in Knoxville, are you?"
"Well... I don't know much of anything right now, dad."
"What would you do?"
"I had thought about going back to school, but again, I don't know. I just don't think I there is any good reason for me to come back to Nashville all summer when I probably won't be staying here long anyway."

Surprisingly, his responses was entirely supportive and then my step-mother offered the best advice I had received since I had begun feeling directionless.

"Jacob, I think you have so much pressure on yourself that you can't even see clearly what your options are, much less make any decisions. I think you just need to let God take this pressure off you and I really believe then, things will begin to fall in place."

A burden lifted. Someone finally told me what I had been trying to tell myself for a year, but never believed. It finally sunk in. I spent the rest of the night experiencing a nearly tangible respect for this side of an imperfect, yes, but loving family. My dad and I talked about Simon and Garfunkel, Cat Stevens, The Who, etc. while putting on his old vinyl records. Later I stood outside my car in a young summer night, with cool breeze and clear skies, talking with him a bit more before I departed.

I spent the next hour driving to Murfreesboro, listening to Beck's Sea Change with the windows down, and reflected on this new perspective. I sipped a Red Bull as I tossed the glowing butt of a cigarette out the window. I love watching the rear-view as it shatters into orange sparks on the highway in the dark.

Saturday was spent running errands for my mother. I got distracted and spent a few hours at my favorite record store in Nashville, and in the end purchased Kid A, and a Sigur Ros ep (Ba Ba, Ti Ki, Di Do) on vinyl with the intention of taking my dad's old record player back to Knoxville with me. I still haven't got a needle for it, but hopefully soon. In the evening I had dinner with a few friends and then played pool downtown with another friend later on.

Sunday morning I went with my family to church. I forget how much I miss my home until I go to church. I was so encouraged and so refreshed. Afterwards my family had a dinner with our close family friends, the Haires. I left from there, but before I did my mom pulled me aside and gave me some advice and encouragement. Essentially she said that she felt like things were going to start falling into place. She also said almost exactly what my step-mom said. Confirmation.

So this week has been an amazing manifestation of all I brought back with me from Nashville. Decisions have been made. I still may not have the entire picture, but I have direction. I feel I can see my desires better and know that's what I need to be pursuing. I am staying in Knoxville. At least for a while. This damned city that grasps people in its claws and bores them to death. I, of my own free will, am choosing to stay here. Never thought that would happen. I am seriously considering going back to school. I am changing jobs. I am pursuing a girl (not that I actually know how to do that one very well). There is just so much. It all feels new. It feels right. And I am more at peace than I have been in a long time.

going public (coming out of the closet?)

i've been locked in my room for three days relearning html and cursing at my computer. finally, having realized that it will never be perfect, i am at least midly satisfied with my page and have officially unveiled to the public what, for months, has been mine alone. in celebration i am shutting down myspace. well... at least my myspace... and by shutting down, i mean placing more of an emphasis on this site.

so, hello world. welcome to my... space? i dont want this url to be confined to the stereotypical blog connotation. i want interaction and response, suggestions, links, new music, art and literature. please leave thoughtful and provocative comments on my posts, and happy thoughts in the guestbook so i know you were here. and then come back. and tell your friends.

-jacob

then sings my soul...

How do you explain restlessness? It is a stirring of the heart that almost seems to purposely avoid explaining itself to the mind. In spite of being illogical, the desperate reactions of a restless being seem to be... right... at the same time. Often, though, these reactions later make more sense as the consequences unfold themselves to reveal truth.

So why am I sleeping outside, away from my warm, comfortable bed? I don't know if I have an answer that any mind would truly except, but after the fourth night some formulation has begun...
[get the big picture]
After returning home around midnight, I began to assemble my tent, recently arrived from Nashville. All of west Tennessee had been battered by a storm system since 7pm, so I was glad to have some shelter in case another front moved through in the night. Around 1am I crawled into my sleeping bag and zipped up the fly, settling in to read for a time before falling asleep. I recently finished Donald Miller's, Through Painted Deserts, and had begun another book of his: Searching for God Knows What. I don't think I read more than a paragraph before realizing that I was falling asleep, but I do remember the last few lines talking about how Jesus has allowed us to view God through a relationship, and that this gives us an advantage over the Israelites in the Old Testament who probably viewed God as frightening and easily angered. It is true that God is frightening, but this is not because He is an angry God. He is a mighty God, and fear is not an unhealthy response at times, especially when balanced with the love Jesus demonstrated that God has for us.

As I slowly started to fall asleep with distant lightning still striking in all directions I remembered an enormous tree that collapsed in our yard a few months ago during a storm. A little uneasy, I made myself wake up enough to crawl back out of my tent just to make sure there were no more eyeing me in my tiny tent to break their fall later that night. Sure enough, twenty yards back a giant of a tree stood ominously as if watching every move I made. I stood very still, almost holding my breath like an animal being hunted as I weighed the danger. After a moment it seemed highly unlikely that this tree would fall and if it did, that it would land on me out of all the places it could land... this thought was ignoring that this tree was so large that if it fell anywhere in the yard it would be on top of me anyway. So, having convinced myself of some false safety I silently snuck back into my shelter and quickly fell asleep.

At 3am I jumped up in a panic, my ears ringing for moments after the thunder. The earth seemed to shake, and for a moment I considered the apocalypse. As it echoed itself over and over, each bomb-like crack in the sky seeming louder than before, I remembered my nemesis, the tree. I turned to look out a back window in the tent, squinting my eyes until the sky lit itself up with lighting bolts, one after another, creating a silhouette of the ominous thing. It was only moments before I was out of my sleeping bag and headed inside with the excuse that I really needed to pee, regardless of the fact that I had also been peeing outside all week. Inside the house shook, dishes rattled, and windows seemed like they wanted to just give up and shatter against the noise. After relieving myself, I stood on the porch just as sheets of rain followed by hail fell from the sky and it occurred to me that I was actually afraid. I don't think that I thought I was going to die. I felt... small. I looked up at the glowing sky as crash followed flash over and over like a heavenly war. I remembered the last lines I had read in the book hours before and I felt the might of God. I was like a child who knows his father loves him, yet who would be scared out of his mind to see his father upset. My insides were shaking from the noise, I was shivering from the cold and wet, and I was in awe at the power of a God who could hold all of this, happening all around me, in his hands. I found myself singing, How Great Thou Art, very softly to myself, but really to Him.

I was on the porch for probably near twenty minutes, and tried to sleep in my tent after that, but the storm kept on and I could not fall asleep. So with a wound to my pride, I grabbed my pillow and returned to my bed. Today I found out that there was a tornado only miles south of me, so I'm not sure I still regret being driven inside. I found words, though, for why I was outside. Maybe I hoped the clean night air would be a catalyst, but all I really wanted was for something to happen. I wanted truth to be revealed to me. I wanted to be taken into, and become a part of that truth. The terrible beauty of last night is still with me. Sometimes we need a firey bush, or a talking donkey, or Eli's voice in the night. For me it wasn't a voice. It was a heavenly war shrinking my massive ego, and giving me perspective to see the might of an awful creator that I am simultaneously driven and drawn to love.

So, tonight is day 5 of 14. I could easily stop now. I have my memory, or my experience if you will. But I think it would be a really bad idea to stop now that the ball is rolling. So, I'm grabbing my pillow (and probably a blanket tonight!) and going back outside.

sea change

What do you do when despite your best efforts everything is crashing in. You want to be happy, and you know all the right answers to every unsettling question, but none of that really seems relevant. How is this possible? How can there be so much freedom in sight but it is never quite attainable?
Here is the truth. I try with Samson might to hold on to happiness. But this happiness is just my deceptive Delilah stealing my strength. Bitch... [get the big picture]
Now I find myself praying for strength once more just to pull everything in on me, ending it all.
I'm not exactly sure what I'm saying. I am in no way suicidal or anything. It has just been an overwhelming day. I've been tired and worthless and I got a speeding ticket. I find myself being a terrible friend to some people because in my current state there are only a few I actually want to be around. I need something real in my relationships right now. I need to talk this out, but part of me doesn't want to do that because I don't feel like I listen when other people need me to.

Oh ya. This is one of those times when you need your heart broken sending you crashing to your knees. If anyone is keeping track, you can put a tick in the box next to broken heart. And now can I find myself on my knees? Can I fell the tree I've let my pride become? Its more like a demolition, really. I feel like I need to confess out loud, but I have no spiritual structure. No mentor, no accountability, nothing. No church. No one even inquiring to my spiritual state.

I feel at the edge of a revolution just getting all this out. I was wrong to say I know all the answers, but I do know the right direction. I know I am not the only one this way right now and something has got to change. It has got to start with me. My pride has to fall. I have to give myself up. I can't wait for someone else to convince me to. I don't respond well to that anyhow.

Jesus, there has to be change. We need something real. We need you. We need you to be real in our lives. Show us where you are. Show us how you are moving. Show us how you are relevant right now in each moment, in every breath. The course of eternity hangs perilously in every moment waiting, begging, to be changed. As do I. Change me to initiate change.

charming

i wish i knew what to say

i'm retarded

and apparently a coward. and i'm sick. shit, i didn't wanna just ramble about stupid stuff on here. too late now, i guess. i hope i sleep for a few weeks...

a willing ear

Falling in and out of love. I feel like God is this constant in my life, however inconsistent I may be, He is the same. Which I suppose is an obvious truth. The way I feel about Him is inconsistent. Wait... Not even the way I feel about Him, really. I always truly love God, I feel. My heart always desires Him. But what seems to change so much is how I feel I'm supposed to relate to Him. I can't seem to get it in my head that the way He feels about me is constant.
Last night I realized that in a way, I haven't been "looking Him in the eyes" when I talk to Him. I speak to Him, lately, like one speaks to a room full of people, directing his words at no one in particular, hoping someone will hear and perhaps even respond. This revelation saddens me. It wasn't always as this. I pray it changes. And I pray that prayer catches a willing ear.

PHELICKS IS LOST. LOSE 3 DAYS.

On the way to Oregon. Actually... that doesn't sound like a bad idea...

I've lost motivation temporarily. Maybe Phelicks took it with him. Poor, Phelicks. I'm sure he didn't mean to wander so far from the trail. Now, we'll all be stuck in the rockies at winter.

I need summer.

revelation

sometimes god meets you all of a sudden...
like the train of your life gets the emergency brakes pulled and everything that was in place falls to the ground in chaos. people lean out the windows to see whats wrong, but you, you step off the train. time stops. you walk across the gravel and another set of tracks and have a long look back... and forward...
after a moment suspended in forever, you decide to hop the next one that comes along because you like the direction that one is going better...
yesterday was like this...

easy to fall in love

I wish it were easy to fall in love. It used to be natural, not something that had to be a far off distant phenomenon. I find myself so lonely so often. Not miserable or anything. Just wanting the company of... someone... my counterpart in female form. Surely that can't be too much to ask.

to jump, fall, and fly

So, I am of the strong conviction that nothing I am about to say will make sense...

I can't decide if I am in the best place I could be or the worst. Or maybe its both? I guess nothing is really as clean cut as anyone would hope. Amanda just tought me how to iron. I... um... am about to read about time travel to put me to sleep. I feel like I'm on drugs. Interesting...

I hope I don't read this later. If you are reading this, Jacob, or anyone else, I dearly apologize. I'll try not to do it again. Actually, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'd love to do it again. In fact I said that I would! I need that roadmap wherever it may say I have come from... This is just another marker on the way...

where i find myself

I can't help but feel slightly nerd-esque for not only signing up for a "blog," but for actually using it. I'm not sure I know the reason. I only feel a slight inclination, as it is, to take verbal snapshots of my life and create a collage of nonsense available to the entire human race... and maybe aliens. Something, though, tells me that I might appreciate it at a later date. I need some sort of backwards roadmap for my life reminding me from whence I came. If this is it, then amen. Maybe it will last...